I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
