I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize