Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
