Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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