I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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