I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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