and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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