I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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