im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
