you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
