I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
