evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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