My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize