on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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