4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
