i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
