So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
