i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
