Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
