i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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