A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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