I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
