why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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