tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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