I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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