when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
