I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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