You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
