We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
