my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
