listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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