There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
