This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
