Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
