You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize