I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
