Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
