Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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