pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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