...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
