i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
