I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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