this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i now understand why vodka
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
