The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
