i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
