The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
