I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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