First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
