peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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