ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
