this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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