Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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