i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
