I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
