I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
