I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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