And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
