OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
