Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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