she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize