In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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