i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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