I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
