I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
