My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
