Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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